In adolescence, many children become completely different from themselves: they are rude, dress strangely, listen to loud music, disappear somewhere or, conversely, only sit at home. It can be difficult for a parent to understand what caused such changes, and he or she may not always be able to discuss this with the child or get specialist advice. Is this related to hormones and will go away soon or is it the cause of a serious illness?
Lifehacker collected the most frequent complaints from parents on the Internet and asked experts how justified they were.
A child carves strange symbols and drawings on his hands
Self-harmful behavior helps cope with strong emotions and stress. This is not a way to attract attention, so there is no need to create a scandal. However, it is also impossible to pretend that nothing is happening. The best thing a parent can do is talk to the child, find out the reason for such behavior, and support. If this doesn't help, see a therapist.
It is important for parents not to judge self-harmful behavior, because suicidal thoughts may be behind it. You need to show compassion and participation and understand what is behind the desire to harm yourself. But at the same time, do not be too persistent.
Anastasia Menn, clinical psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist
How to understand that a child is having a bad time at school and needs to be transferred to another
Parents often underestimate their children's problems at school and attribute all complaints to whims, whining, laziness and reluctance to learn. “Mel” discussed with psychologist Katerina Demina and social teacher Evgeniy Lange when adults should really think about transferring their child to another school.
First grade. Newsletter
Valuable advice and invaluable support for parents of first-graders
A child is being bullied at school
Katerina Demina:
The first reason for changing schools, which everyone hears, is bullying, of course. It happens that the child does not say anything, but, for example, he vomits every day before school, and on weekends and holidays he feels completely normal. Unexplained bruises and abrasions, incomprehensible losses and damage to things that he cannot explain are a reason to be wary. In fact, everything is noticeable in a child. Even if he is silent, the constant tension and frustration about school is clearly visible.
There is a reminder posted online about what a parent should do if a child is being bullied. It was written by a mother who faced this problem, but did not want to go the traditional route and change schools. Together with the child, they walked this path and achieved success. If you have completed all possible troubleshooting steps and nothing helps, then you need to transfer. All researchers say that bullying is initiated and supported by the teacher. If it is not possible to change teachers, then you need to change schools.
As for prestigious schools, bullying most often occurs there, both from teachers and from children. It's a very competitive, often unhealthy environment, not all kids can handle it, and not everyone needs it. I have many patients from such schools - with enuresis, with eczema, with tics - because there they ask for tutors right in the first grade. Children should not have tutors in first grade.
It's too difficult for him to study
Katerina Demina:
Another reason for transfer is if the child and the school do not correspond to each other in level, and in both directions. The child may be either bored or, conversely, too difficult. How to understand this? I would seek help from an expert assessment. A child can undergo independent testing, which allows him to assess his actual level of knowledge. After this, you can already resolve the issue with the school. More often I see an option where a child who is not up to the task is pushed into a strong school by hook or by crook. Parents want him to catch up with the help of tutors, but in the end the child is stressed all the time because he is trying to meet a level that is not his own. But after transferring to a school, albeit weaker, less prestigious, but corresponding to his reality, he blossoms and really shows his maximum. While at school, which is too difficult for him, he simply gets sick endlessly and misses everything he came there for.
Evgeniy Lange:
For a child to feel good, he must have a situation of success. When you go to some advanced chemistry class and you get A's there, but in everything else you get C's and B's, then this is already a situation of success.
It is important to understand that everyone is willing to put in a different amount of effort. For example, a child is studying at school and in order to meet the level, I need to put in a certain amount of effort. If I am not ready to invest so much, then it is better to go to another school where my efforts will be enough. You can buy an iPhone and use it happily, or you can buy a simpler phone with the same functions. Another story is that we should receive some kind of bonuses for our efforts. At the same time, there is always something to pay for them. In any business there is something that you don’t really like, but you can’t escape it. If the school is more than 60% good stuff that brings pleasure, and 40% is everything else, then why not. This is the reasoning of teenagers who, starting at the age of 13, can already make their own decisions about school.
Or, conversely, it's too easy to learn
Katerina Demina:
If a child has it too easy, he most often just complains and says that he is bored. Our youngest daughter spent the entire third grade like this. We went to the head teacher, the head teacher gave a test, she did it in ten minutes - a test for the entire third grade. The head teacher gave a test for the fourth grade, the child completed it in 20 minutes. She says - ha, now we have a problem. And we moved to another school, where my daughter began to study more often at four than five, but she completely blossomed, because the class there was her equal. Her studies seemed to get worse, but she felt much better.
There are children who refuse to go to a difficult school because they have friends. Here you need to look: perhaps compensate for this with additional tasks, if everything else suits you. Atmosphere, good teachers, friends, the child succeeds in everything, and at the same time he has additional classes. At least until high school, this is definitely possible.
The school is too far from home
Katerina Demina:
I now have quite a lot of patients who live outside the city so that the child can breathe fresh air, while he is taken to Moscow to study every day at seven in the morning for 40-90 minutes in traffic jams and back at eight in the evening. This, it seems to me, is categorically wrong. The child spends the whole day on the road, he sleeps in the car, and does not go out with classmates. Normally, especially in the beginning, what should happen: the child goes to school himself, that is, it is within walking distance, he has friends with whom he can walk after school, invite them to his home, to whom he goes for birthdays guests, and not to a shopping center with animators. The child then grows. At least somehow you can justify the long journey to a specialized school in high school. And kids need to walk on their feet and be close to home, because travel is very exhausting for them.
Teaching style does not suit the child
Evgeniy Lange:
If parents are not interested enough in school, and the child has some difficulties, nothing prevents teachers from talking about it themselves. Our school is more like an institute: you are given a task, you complete it, and if you don’t want to, no one will run after you. Some children feel good and happy when no one controls them; they cope well on their own. And others are more comfortable where they are controlled. When such a child gets into a free school like the one where I work, he begins to understand that he cannot cope, that he needs some kind of anchor. In this case, the teacher himself should recommend changing schools, because it is traumatic and wrong when there is a feeling that you constantly need to do something and do not have time. Each educational institution has its own style, you need to look for a school that suits your child’s style, this is absolutely normal. Moreover, not everyone benefits from studying in grades 10-11. Children often don’t even want this themselves, but their parents insist. Fortunately, this is easier now, because the stereotype about “sharagas” has gradually begun to go away.
Remember, school is a place where a child, first of all, should be interested and safe. Grades are not so important if he is constantly under stress and tension. Don't be afraid to talk to teachers and find out how things really are with your child. Perhaps the child is falling behind in the program because he has dyslexia, dysgraphia, or ADHD.
Author: Masha Tsitsyurskaya
Illustrations: Shutterstock (Anchalee Ar)
Child masturbates
People become interested in their genitals as early as infancy. Masturbation is normal. Therefore, there is no need to panic, shake hands, blame the Internet and bad company. Realize that the child has already grown up and learn to knock on the door.
If you catch a child masturbating, do not be alarmed. This means that he develops within the norm and gets to know himself. Make sure your child feels safe and has his own space.
Eva Smakovskaya, psychologist, analyst at Infocorps
Help
Under no circumstances should a child be left alone without access to adults, at least by telephone. Older teenagers can look after themselves, but if the child is around ten or twelve years old, it is vital that they have access to an adult when needed.
Give your child phone numbers where he can contact if necessary. Mom or Dad is at the top of this list.
The child constantly watches horror films
Horror films help children cope with their inner fears and experiences: they try on the lives of the heroes and live it with them. This does not mean that the child will become a maniac in the future. However, the psychologist advises observing the child’s mood after watching it.
If a child remains in a calm state after watching horror films, then it is unlikely that parents should sound the alarm. If he becomes agitated, you should help your child limit viewing, not watch horror films in the evening, or watch them together.
Anastasia Menn
When a child cries
The last thing a child needs is to be told that their fears are stupid. Especially when he cries. In our opinion, babies often cry over trifles, but for them this is not at all the case: the reason for such an outburst of emotions is of great importance. The child's behavior causes us irritation - and if we are in a public place, then in addition, shame and awkwardness.
However, we forget that experiences can not only cause annoyance in a child, but can also be truly painful for him.
Of course, being a parent is not easy. But being a child is sometimes much more difficult.
We don't want kids to feel stupid or unsupported, but that's what happens when we brush off their fears and tears. We impatiently urge the preschooler: “Well, come on, honey! What difference does it make which sock you put on first, the right one or the left one!” We think that inexorable logic can calm the storm raging in the soul of a teenager: “If you like her, just ask her out. The worst that can happen is that she refuses. You will survive this quite well.”
But shouldn't we understand them better? After all, scientific research has proven that most adults were once children themselves. Have we simply forgotten what it's like to have our world turned upside down and worse, to have our feelings disrespected?
The child refuses to eat what I cook
If he looks good and feels great, then there is no need to worry. Perhaps he had a snack on the way or he doesn’t like what you’re cooking. If the child begins to rapidly lose weight, looks depressed, and is worried about his appearance, then it is better to see a doctor: the child could develop anorexia nervosa or depression.
If a child refuses to eat in principle, although he used to eat normally, it is worth checking his health, asking how he feels, and going to the doctor. You also need to take into account what has happened in his life recently, whether there have been traumatic events.
Eva Smakovskaya
Are you convinced that every situation changes your life?
If you find yourself telling your child that in many situations they should “do it or die,” you are definitely putting too much pressure on them. If you say, “This is your only chance to impress the coach to make the all-star team,” or “You need to get an A on this test if you want to be considered the best,” kids only have one chance to get it right.
While there are situations in life in which this view of things is realistic—for example, when a teenager has the opportunity to interview for a prestigious college—situations in which he only has one chance to get it right are not so common.
However, for many parents it becomes a habit to treat every test, competition or performance as if it is the only thing that matters. Try to remind yourself and your child that there are many opportunities to express yourself, and the outcome of most events will not change life.
Rare books and good mood: a walk through the flea markets of Berlin
Cherries are ripe in the gardens - you can make a wonderful drink from them: recipe
We decided to go to Khosta instead of Turkey this year - Sochi is opening on June 21
The child is constantly rude to me and brings me to tears
This does not mean that your child is a soulless egoist and wishes you death. He just entered the stage of protest and wants to quickly gain independence. To reduce the degree of aggression, give him a little freedom: allow him to walk longer, choose what he likes. However, parents must set the limits of what is permitted. You remain in charge.
If a child is rude, he must understand that this will lead to certain consequences: a weekend shopping trip or a trip to the amusement park will be cancelled. But it is equally important to show that you do not stop loving him despite this behavior.
Anastasia Menn
Picture me
Humor is closely related to perspective shifting, as laughter is often a direct result of perspective shifting. A joke can effectively defuse a stressful situation or at least help soften a tense atmosphere.
If you decide to discuss some of his behavior with your child, ask him to pretend how you usually behave. This will help relieve tension, make him feel empowered, and show that you understand what the situation looks like from his perspective—all at the same time.
Being on the same wavelength with your child, joking and fooling around is a great way to better understand him.
The child does nothing but surf the Internet
If this does not affect his performance in any way, there is no need to worry. If a child begins to skip school, lie, or stay up late, then he may have developed a gaming or Internet addiction. In this case, do not make a scandal - this will only make things worse. Talk to him honestly and openly. Perhaps this will help. If not, visit a psychotherapist.
It is better to offer him those activities that were previously attractive to him, pay attention to his emotions and experiences, and help him cope with them.
Anastasia Menn
You control your child's activities even in small things
Parents who are themselves under pressure run the risk of becoming control freaks. If you're paying too much attention to your child's daily activities, such as homework, chores, and play, to make sure he's doing everything right, you're probably putting too much pressure on him. Although being involved in your child's life is very important, constantly criticizing his activities can slow down his development.
An interesting cake similar to fast food from KFC was made by a chef from Britain
Bronzer, lipstick and 2 minutes of time - makeup for the busiest is ready
If someone becomes immortal, what can happen to them within 700 years?
If you want your child to do well in school, allow him to make mistakes and face their natural consequences when necessary. While it can be difficult to watch your child perform poorly on a test for which they didn't prepare much, or miss an opportunity because they didn't try hard enough, these consequences can be some of life's greatest teachers.
