It’s a strange feeling - there is no love for family. I have a complete family. I live separately from my parents, I have a young man.
“I don’t care how mom, dad and little sister are doing. I sometimes communicate with them out of politeness, but I have no desire to tell them about my affairs.
I’m speaking in general terms: I’m working, everything is fine as always. In a conversation with them, I turn the topic to them and start asking questions myself.
“Their stories seem unbearably boring to me, as if I were communicating with strangers. Indifference.
My relationship with my father was tense - for a long time he was aggressive towards me for no reason, caused pain, and humiliated me morally. My mother loved me, as it seemed to me then, but she did not know how to keep my secrets (for example, my failures or experiences), she told my father everything, and he ridiculed me. One day my father bullied me so much that I had a breakdown.
“I’ve been thinking for a long time about how to save myself from this and suddenly I realized that I had to run so that they wouldn’t have time to catch up. I left home for a man in another city. Silently, without reproaches, with all things, so that no one sees.
With the first phone calls, my mother blackmailed me, saying that they would punish me even more for leaving like that. At such moments, I simply hung up and turned off the phone. I had been afraid all my life, but now I felt safe and under the protection of my man. A couple of months later, I talked to my parents as if nothing had happened, then I came to congratulate them on the holidays. There was no word about what happened. We communicated nicely, politely, with smiles. There were no questions or apologies on their part. This went on for three years.
“The relationship with the man did not work out, we separated. I felt this very acutely - he seemed to me to be my savior, I gave him all the tenderness I had accumulated over many years, which I could not give to my parents.
Now I'm in a relationship with another man. I don’t consider him the best, although I tried to achieve him myself. I don’t have any hostility or irritation towards him, but it’s like I don’t like him. I admit the idea that we might separate, that maybe I’ll even get married and then divorced. And before this thought scared me, I wanted to live in perfect harmony from the first day until the end of my life. He says that I am cold towards him. But I have more feelings for him than for my family.
My sister is generally like a child of another family—a stranger, although I used to spend a lot of time with her and babysit her. Mom says my sister admires me and loves me, but I don't care about that. It seems that I don’t love anyone: neither my mother, nor my father, nor my sister, nor my man. And she's not even in love with anyone else. What should I do?
Before deciding what to do, let's figure out what happened to you and is happening now. You have endured physical and mental abuse from your father for a long time, and you have faced chronic betrayal from your mother. Most of the emotions caused by these circumstances were kept to myself. Mental stress grew for many years, until one day it resulted in a determination to save his integrity. And, as soon as circumstances allowed, a man appeared who showed interest and approached the role of protector. You ran away from under the murderous parental control, in order to certainly avoid face-to-face contact with your parents, which was unbearable - You felt unable to protect your dignity on your own in front of father and mother.
“It seems that the male savior was part of the escape plan that your psyche was latently building. In this case, the passion will not be connected with himself, but with the role he can and is ready to play: a protector, whose attitude is the opposite of his father’s, who will fill the deficit of fatherly love. For this you thanked him with your tenderness. This is not love, but a deal.
But the fact that you are interested in his role, and not in himself, becomes more and more obvious over time, and through all your tender gratitude, your partner inevitably begins to feel that he himself is not interesting, not needed. It is not he who is important, but what he can give. The person simply does not feel loved. I believe this is what caused him to leave. And I believe that this is what savior number two means when he talks about your coldness towards him.
Your parents, as I understood from the letter, quite quickly made your decision to live independently from them.
“It was also nice to read that your mother warmly talks about your younger sister’s attitude towards you: you can feel in this a mother’s desire not to reproach, but to support you on your chosen path. In my opinion, this is a clear recognition, a manifestation of love for you. But you are passionate about distancing yourself from your parents...
There is no sincerity, because there is still a lot of pain, resentment, anger, despair, and sadness in the soul. You keep all this inside yourself and push it away, trying to prevent anything in contact with your parents from catching this giant secret warehouse and, God forbid, something spilling out of it. In fact, you turned away from your parents, blocked your real feelings for them, and therefore stopped feeling close. Hid the pain - lost love. At all. The usual thing. And to your sister, and to men, with whom things won’t work out either until you and your parents open the floodgates. So they are your rescuers and will be with all the ensuing consequences.
But you will stop having formal dialogues with mom and dad, which make you feel sick, and you will begin to express to them what is essential, what is really asking from your soul, what is scary to show and express (what if you again feel like a defenseless, devoted girl), you will remain sincere in any situation, in any reaction (if you want to hug - so hug, to scream - so scream, to cry - so cry, to fight - so fight) - and love will return to you, you will thaw and begin to feel what was missing. And you will give those around you a completely different feeling: warmer and closer.
Have you encountered such a problem?
If this article helped you,
Mom from the room - the baby roars, mother from the house - hysterics. This happens often, and every time, mothers who are attached to their children do not know what to do with these little tails...
Why?
Perhaps this is the age period, or maybe there are negative factors that provoke a feeling of fear and uncertainty in the baby. Therefore, you first need to understand the reasons for this child’s behavior:
There are a lot of moms
One of the most common reasons is that mothers pay a lot of attention to the child, and the baby gets used to living this way. Mom is nearby, which means he is safe. Mom leaves, there are other people nearby - the situation is not standard, which means we must resist it.
Not in the circle of trust
The reason is related to the previous one. If until this time only the mother paid attention to the child, and other relatives did little to deal with the baby, then they found themselves beyond the limits of the child’s trust. He doesn’t know them, so he doesn’t want to stay with them.
Moms are not enough
It seems that the mother pays enough attention to the baby, is nearby, but is constantly distracted by something: a phone, a computer, a tablet, or chatting on Skype. The child experiences a lack of attention, and when his mother plans to leave him for a while, he is indignant.
Separation from mother as punishment
Children may be afraid to be left without their mother if they perceive it as something terrible, as a punishment for something. But this is usually preceded by the actions of the parents. For example, if a mother often tells her child: “If you don’t listen, I’ll leave you!”
Mom's experiences
And it happens that the baby, in principle, does not mind being without his mother, but she herself is so worried and hides her feelings so poorly that the baby is “infected” with this fear and anxiety. As a result, both roar.
Fear of something or someone or feeling unwell
And finally, the baby’s whims when parting do not always mean that he does not want to be left without his mother. The child may be worried about something (tummy, teeth), or he may be afraid of an unfamiliar environment or some detail (even a new coat hanging on a hanger can create discomfort).
What should I do?
Firstly, do not panic, do not try to forcefully tear the child away from you, and do not yell at him or shame him under any circumstances. Remember, this behavior is typical for children under 3 years old; adult children usually calmly let their mother go. But even if your child is older or if it has become a real problem, everything can be resolved peacefully.
- If this is due to some fears or poor health of the child, then it is necessary to eliminate the frightening factor (hang a new coat in the closet, help adapt to an unfamiliar place before leaving).
- If this is a lack of attention from the mother, then you should reconsider your schedule, allocate at least an hour in the daily routine when the mother devotes herself entirely to the baby, is less distracted by modern devices and communicates more face-to-face.
- If your child perceives separation as punishment, be careful what you say to your child. Read him fairy tales in which the heroes calmly part with their mother (for example, Little Red Riding Hood, Thumbelina), play out situations with dolls and toys.
- If you yourself are worried, try to hide your emotions, and in general, why worry? You know perfectly well that everything will be fine, you have a wonderful adult child!
A number of actions are required in a situation where a child does not want to be separated from his mother because he does not trust others and feels insecure. In this case, it is necessary to accustom the child to people:
- involve the father in the game (if the baby does not want to play without you, then in your presence), grandmothers and other relatives, so that the child’s social circle expands.
- Visit public places more: shops, museums, theaters, and at least sometimes travel by public transport. A child should not be afraid of other people. It is also better to walk not in isolation, but on the playground, where the baby can meet and play with other children.
- At home, the mother should gradually increase the distance between herself and the baby. To begin with, it can be joint household chores in one place (for example, dusting nearby cabinets), then the mother already wipes the furniture in one room, and gives the baby the task of helping in the kitchen.
- You should not ignore situations when a child himself increases the space: if he is playing in the room, then it is better to leave him alone, peeking from the kitchen.
- As soon as the baby gets used to communicating with dad or other relatives, try leaving them at home alone for a while. At the same time, you should not leave furtively or run away, this can injure the baby, and next time he will not let go of his mother so easily. It’s better to tell the truth: “I’ll go to the store for a while, but I’ll definitely bring you something tasty.”
- Come up with a farewell ritual (rubbing noses together or giving a loud kiss on the cheek or a high five). It will help the child cope with the moment of separation more easily.
And don’t forget to enjoy this moment when your child needs you, when you mean the whole world to him. It won't be long before everything changes! Children grow up so fast!
Of course, every mother enjoys feeling like the most important person for her baby. But the joy quickly disappears when the child begins to follow you with his tail. Agree, if you constantly hold him in your arms (), then there is absolutely no time left for homework and rest. You literally have to run around the house, trying to clean and cook dinner while the baby is sleeping. What should you do if your child won’t let you go even for a second?
Why is this happening?
It would seem that mommy has left and returned many times already. It’s time to get used to it and understand that there is nothing terrible in a short-term separation, but there are still screams and loud roars. The reasons for this behavior are not easy to determine, but once you identify them, you can correct the situation.
- One whole
In the first years of life, the baby actively explores the world, which seems huge, unknown and sometimes frightening to him. He gains new knowledge under the supervision of his beloved mother, who is constantly nearby: both day and night. It is not surprising that only with her the baby begins to feel completely safe, and if she disappears, anxiety appears.
- Signal of trouble
- Fear of loneliness
The baby begins to fear that his mother will not return from the store if the parents use threats as educational methods: “If you don’t stop pinching and biting, I’ll leave you!”
After hearing this phrase several times, he thinks that he is being abandoned because of his bad behavior.
- Mom's anxiety
Since the connection between the child and the mother is strong, the baby feels her anxiety even at a distance and becomes restless himself. He may not understand the cause of your stress (family scandal, financial troubles), but he is firmly convinced that he needs to be with you.
- Lack of attention
It seems like you spend the whole day with the baby, don’t leave the nursery, but he still pulls his hand and constantly reminds you of yourself. This happens because you are close, but not together: you communicate on social networks, chat with a friend on the phone, or watch endless TV series. To attract attention, the child begins to act up.
"Mother's daughter. The child is very attached to his mother
Overcoming excessive attachment
So, we have dealt with the possible sources of children’s reluctance to let their mother go. How to help yourself and your baby?
- The most important thing is to be patient.
If you can't distract your child, do homework together. Learn to comment and show everything you do in the kitchen (of course, observing safety precautions) or in the living room. In a few years, your child will become a real helper. - Ordinary hide and seek is a useful activity for developing independence in young children, the ability to remain alone and wait for you. Hide close to the child, let him find his mother and rejoice. And he will also understand that nothing terrible happened while you were away.
- Try to leave your child with relatives more often: father, grandmother or grandfather. The more children come into contact with other adults, the easier it is for them to let go of their mothers.
- Hug, kiss, caress your baby, play his favorite games. Put your phone and laptop aside, and when your child receives the necessary portion of your attention, he will not need to seek it in “forbidden” ways.
- Choose a moment when your baby is busy playing and explain that you will leave the room for a while. For example: “Dima, I need to make a cup of tea, I’ll be back soon
. Soon the baby will get used to the fact that you keep your promise and come back, which means you can try leaving the house. - Never go outside secretly, even if you need to leave for a couple of minutes. Imagine the baby’s state when he discovers that you are missing. He will look for you, sob out loud, and when you return, he will not leave a single step.
- Do not forget that the child reacts sharply to all parental feelings and your sadness before separation may frighten him. Leave and come back with a smile on your face. This will make it easier to resolve this problem.
My 2.4 also cries when I leave... I always explain to him where I am and why, for example - I need to go to the store, I’ll come in 10 minutes and bring you juice, and I calmly leave, he seems to understand, he runs to the window and waves to me on the way, I come and say, why did you cry? he says yes, he did...
Gradually accustom your baby to your absence. Moreover, try not to slip away unnoticed, but to leave, waving your hand at the same time, you can kiss her on the cheek (if she doesn’t grab her with a death grip). Then immediately leave, without talking, right in front of her eyes... You can even leave without any special reason: just stand at the entrance for 10-15 minutes. and come back. Gradually, the intervals of absence need to be increased. But you must always follow the farewell ritual: wave your hand “bye-bye, I’ll be back soon” and leave without looking back. When you leave, then, of course, someone should stay with your daughter. She will certainly cry a lot, and may even be hysterical. Nothing. Never mind. Let the one who stays with her explain that her mother will come soon. And in 10 minutes. look, and you are home again!))) The child should have a stereotype in his head: mom leaves, but she always comes back. The child will cry for several days after you leave. and maybe he will cry and whine for 2-3 weeks. And then it will stop. This process of getting used to the absence of a mother is very difficult and is not easy for both mother and child. But you need to go through this path, because the child will not be able to be with his mother all the time (and vice versa). Start training today and you will see - everything will work out for you! Good luck!
Hello!
This is an age-related feature, a norm of behavior. The child begins to feel that his mother has left forever and will not return, hence the uncontrollable crying. There is also an opinion that the baby himself is afraid to crawl away and get lost. I don’t want to scare you, but the so-called fear of losing your mother goes away in all children at different ages. My daughter only finished this when she was two years old. Some people have it before. The main thing is to continue to explain that mom will come back, mom is nearby, everything is fine, and reassure her in every possible way.
In order for a child to stop following you around and crying as soon as you get out of the car or out of the house, you need to establish a secure attachment with him, it is necessary for the child to calm down and stop being afraid of losing his mother. And to do this, first of all, it is necessary to remove division from the child’s life wherever possible.When might a child feel separated?
Separate sleep from birth
Early moving to your own room Fear of “hand training” Frequent separations Mom’s detachment, thoughtfulness, “hovering in the clouds” (physically close to the child, but in thoughts far away) Reluctance to talk, ignoring Time-outs (into the room, in the corner) Physical punishment Resentment towards the child, the mother “sulks” Manipulation of love Prohibitions on crying Prohibition on being oneself, non-acceptance The child begins to go to kindergarten The birth of a brother/sister The child is lost and scared Fear of the death of parents Threats of separation (“Mom will leave without you”, “Well and stay here alone”) Threats to give someone away if he behaves badly Spent the summer with his grandmother Divorce of parents Excessive strictness of parents, authoritarianism
This, of course, is not a complete list. Look, analyze. Try to eliminate what you can: for example, stop using separative discipline in parenting, if you use it. It’s great that your child sleeps with you from birth, but this, of course, is not a panacea. Although it really helps to make up for the contact that was missing during the day. Especially if before bed you spend time together, chatting, reading or something else, but the main thing is that it brings you both positive emotions.READ ALSO:
Do not compare different children, each of them is a separate person with a unique character. But they have a common feature: they equally need parental affection and care, only some less and others more. Don’t be upset if now your baby is overly attached to you and won’t let you go. Soon he will grow up, become more independent, and you will finally have free time.
If the child does not let go of his mother
Authors : Bogdanova N.V.
Every time you are about to leave, your child begins to cry bitterly and inconsolably. For most mothers, this is a real test that they want to avoid by any means. How does a child feel when she floods the hallway with tears while we hastily get dressed? How to calm him down: console him or scold him, stay or leave? And most importantly, how can we help him endure our absence painlessly?
Most often, babies who spend most of their time with their mother react violently to care. In families where the mother is replaced by one of the relatives for a short time, but regularly, the little one quickly gets used to doing without her for some time. Although sometimes it happens that a baby, who just yesterday calmly let go of his mother, suddenly begins to protest against her leaving.
What does a child experience when watching you get ready? How does your leaving make him feel? Due to his egocentrism, a small child perceives everything that happens in the family in direct connection with himself. It is still difficult for him to understand that some part of his mother’s life is not connected with him, that she has something of her own. Therefore, the baby may associate his mother’s care, for example, with the fact that he did not behave well enough, and thus he is punished.
So that your absence does not cause a negative reaction, when you go somewhere for a short time, to a store or a hairdresser, be sure to tell your child where you are going and how long you will return. Even if you think that the child is too young for such information, your words will amazingly reassure him and help him wait for your return. It is especially important to make sure in advance that the child is able to calmly endure your absence if you are going to go to work.
A small child is sensitive to your feelings, so it is important that you are confident in the person you are leaving him with. If you know that your baby will be well taken care of, your peace of mind and confidence will help him cope with anxiety. It’s good if your child has a favorite toy or little thing: a bunny, a car, a handkerchief; it will serve him as a consolation in your absence, symbolizing a part of you that is always with him. Don't leave secretly in the hope that it will be less painful for the child, thereby making the separation easier only for yourself. The child, upon discovering your absence, may decide that you abandoned him or simply disappeared. Be sure to smile at him and say something kind before you leave, it is important for him to know that his mother loves him and thinks about him regardless of whether she is nearby or not. For a small child, crying is a magical way of getting what he needs. And if you linger every time he screams, he will repeat this "trick" to achieve the desired result. Does this mean that there is no need to linger? No, because the child really needs to be comforted, and he expresses this as best he can. It is important for a child to feel safe that his needs for care and love are met.
But also, the principle of reality must come into force; you can stay for a while, but at the same time clearly indicate the time frame: “I will stay with you for five minutes, and then I will go.” In this way, you will show your baby that his feelings and desires are important to you, without supporting his illusion of omnipotence by abandoning your own intentions.
A child may feel abandoned not only when you leave, but also if you “forgot” about him by talking to a friend or neighbor. He may become upset or scared, start crying and impatiently pull your hand to get you back. This is a normal reaction for a child between 6 and 18 months. When talking with “strangers” who are “taking” you away from your child, touch him, stroke his head, look at him more often to show him that you are nearby. Do not ignore your child and do not reproach him for disturbing you, this will only increase his feelings. For him, the fact that you are nearby, but at the same time inaccessible, is an incomprehensible and frightening situation. It is important for your child to feel the continuity of your connection with him.
Some children experience anxiety due to their mother's absence only from time to time. In early childhood, important stages in development follow each other with extraordinary speed, and each leap in development is preceded by increased anxiety. The child grows rapidly, develops, explores the universe, but at some point feels the need to return to his mother’s warm embrace, cozy and safe, in order to gain confidence and energy from them for new “forays” into the big world. Therefore, when a child suddenly begins to behave “like a baby,” most often this means that he will soon delight you with a new achievement. Do not reproach your child for acting like a child, spend more time with him, hug and kiss him more often, play with him, all this will increase his sense of security. For example, playing hide and seek will help the child understand that if you are not there, it is not scary. You leave and reappear. He is afraid and then rejoices. Each time he is less and less afraid. When he is recharged with your love, feels your willingness to accept not only his strong, but also his weak sides that need care, he will again be able to set off to meet new discoveries.
Author: Bogdanova Natalia Vladimirovna - child psychologist, psychoanalyst, member of the Russian Psychological Society. Employee of the Center for Rehabilitation and Correction of Children and Adolescents and the magazines “Happy Parents” and “My Child”.
Source: Institute for Harmonious Development and Adaptation “Game”
published 12/21/2009 15:05 updated 11/28/2018 – Pedagogy and psychology
About the reasons
In order to understand how to behave, you need to understand why this happens. There are several reasons that work both individually and together.
The child has grown up. Now he understands that people and objects exist even where he cannot see. What happens to them there and whether they will return is unknown. Simply put, every time the mother disappears, the child has a fear that she will not return.
Attachment is a biological program that is inherent in a child by nature. A helpless, weak, small human cub can only survive if it is close to a loving adult, and all the child’s efforts are aimed at this. Therefore, he closely follows, crawls and follows his mother or another significant adult. The less his need for affection is satisfied, the more worried he will be if his mother disappears from sight. Therefore, “for the sake of education,” you cannot deny your baby hugs and comfort. You need to take him in your arms when he is sad, or scared, or just wants to bury himself in his mother’s neck. You need to stroke and kiss more often - in a word, this need for affection must be satisfied as much as possible.
“Even during the crisis of the first year of life, the baby intensively begins to explore the world around him. He no longer lies in his crib, but walks and even runs. And knowledge is often accompanied by the mother’s “no’s” and her dissatisfaction with the child. You can’t climb on the table, you can’t take a vase, you can’t break toys. New opportunities bring with them new fears. The child begins to fear losing his mother's love, which gives him security and comfort. If he scolds you, does that mean he might stop loving you?
It is the fear of losing love that causes the child to need to tie his mother to him by hook or by crook and gives rise to a special type of dependence. The baby intuitively looks for ways to protect himself from loss, tries to find the most reliable one by trial and error" (Alla Barkan, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Master of Philosophy, professor, author of the books "Bad Habits of Good Children", "Modern Preschooler", " The child feels good in kindergarten”, etc.).
Sometimes such fear of mother's absence is a reaction to the mother's own fears. If she is almost sure that they will not cope with the child, that he will cry and suffer, then her anxiety will be passed on to the child.
Suspicions ruined our relationship
When my mother accused me of lying, it was like lightning struck me. From shock, I could not utter a word: I listened to her silently until she hung up. After this conversation, I couldn’t come to my senses for several days. I couldn’t understand how my mother, who was not yet an old person (she was only 60 years old!), could believe this dark woman, a fortune teller who declared herself clairvoyant!
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Posted by Tino Philippo (@promo.bigmonster) Apr 27, 2020 at 7:26 am PDT
She knew very well how close we, her daughters, were. Mom told us more than once: “You are far from me, hold on to each other, help in difficult situations.” And she was happy to see our friendship with her. But now all this is in the past. First, I lost my only sister, whom I loved very much, and now, thanks to a “wonderful” psychic, I also lost my mother. From that day on, I never dared to call her, and she remains silent. But I don’t blame my mother for anything.
