Problem children
Children, even those with behavior problems, really need to be in a state of happiness, but they do not know what it takes. Most of the time, children are in a bad mood, they suffer due to low self-esteem, due to poor relationships with peers. And therefore, the main task of parents is to do everything so that the child is in a good mood. Even teenagers need praise and friendly hugs.
Encouragement for a child is, first of all, the desire for good behavior. Everyone, young and old, needs encouragement. Everyone wants to be happy! If a child receives something pleasant, for example, a smile, a hug as a result of good behavior, then such encouragement not only lifts his mood, but also stimulates him to continue to behave well, so that he is praised as often as possible and he is happy.
Rewarding good behavior is very important, but children with behavior problems need it the most. They lack precisely positive feelings, because he receives so much negativity towards himself every day.
Rewarding and punishing children under 3 years of age
Between the ages of one and a half to three years, the foundations for future relationships between the child and parents are laid. It is at this age that the baby begins to master the basics of independence, he learns to be independent - and he likes it. Therefore, starting from the age of one and a half years, it’s time to start raising a child based on a system of rewards and punishments. It should be noted right away that any education system should be based on unconditional love for the child. That is, the baby must be confident in parental love, regardless of whether he behaved badly or well today. Punishment and encouragement of a child are effective only against the backdrop of a healthy, friendly family atmosphere.
The place of punishment in the system of rewards and punishments for children First, let's look at the punishments of children. Of course, it is necessary to punish; without this, not a single educational system is valid. It is important to choose effective penalties. Under no circumstances should this be physical force. Of course, parents have greater physical strength, and they can hurt the child, forcing them to stop their pranks for a while. But, I dare to assure you, physical punishment will not help the child understand his offense and correct himself, but will only cause feelings of resentment, embitterment and fear. Children who are beaten by their parents often grow up insecure, and they hide their fear of failure behind external aggression. In addition, children who are physically punished may harbor a grudge against their parents, and as adults, “revenge” their children for the insult. Punishing a child may consist of reprimands and prohibitions. Thus, it makes no sense to forbid anything to a child aged one and a half to two years, because he too quickly forgets what he is punished for and will perceive the punishment as unfair. At this age, the baby does not yet act deliberately; he is guided by momentary desires. In order to stop the negative behavior of children aged 1.5-2 years, you just need to learn how to switch their attention to other exciting activities. For example, a child who is throwing things out of the closet can be offered to read a book or draw together - I assure you that the child will immediately forget about the clothes lying in the closet. Moreover, after that he will enthusiastically help his mother collect scattered things. After two years, the child already does many things consciously, but he is not driven more by curiosity than by the desire to harm. Thus, a baby may spill milk only to watch it drip from the table. In this case, you need to make a remark to the baby. The tone should be stern and reproachful. Show your child that you are not funny at all. Explain that spilling milk is bad because it stains the table and carpet, and besides, if milk is spilled, then he will have nothing to drink. The reprimand must follow immediately after the commission of the offense. In addition, reproach should be short-term; scold the child and forget about the bad deed. If, after reprimanding, the baby is upset and bursts into tears, do not skimp on affection, have pity, this will not be a sign of weakness on your part. A child over two years old can be punished using prohibitions. A child is acting up on the street, which means we stop our walk and go home. The baby throws toys - we put them in the closet (for example, until tomorrow). When punishing a child, you need to explain to him why you are doing this. So, you can’t run away from mom on the street, because you can get lost, get hit by a car, etc. You can’t throw toys, because they hurt. Give reasons for your behavior, and the baby will be more attentive to your comments. An important condition for any punishment should be its logic. You cannot punish a child today for what he was allowed to do yesterday. If a child today took all the pots out of the cupboard - the mother silently put them away, tomorrow he took out the pots - the mother remained silent, and the day after tomorrow the mother will punish him for the same act - I assure you, the child will not understand this. Be logical, if something is not allowed, it is not always possible, if it is possible today, then it is allowed tomorrow. The place of encouragement in the system of rewards and punishments for children Now about something more important - about incentives. Encouraging (as well as punishing) children is an important element of education. At the age of one and a half to three years, it is very important to strengthen in the child the desire for the right “good” deed. The most common mistake of most parents is the established opinion that if a child behaves well, this is the norm! The result of this belief is that children are ignored by their parents if they behave well. The child obeyed his mother during a walk - this is normal, the baby collected toys - this is the norm. Why praise for what is normal? This is where the root of many problems lies. If a child behaves badly, does not obey, does everything in defiance of his parents, he is not asking for punishment at all, he is simply asking for parental attention. And if the parents’ attention can only be achieved in one way - disobedience, the baby will learn this very quickly. Spend time with your child and find fun activities to do together. Look at pictures in books together, teach how to draw a hare - you never know what interesting things you can come up with! And praise, praise your child! Don't be afraid to spoil him with this. Attention and affection are not pampering, they are a necessity. The child drew a sun, say: “Beautiful, well done.” The kid showed all the animals in the book: “My son is great, he knows everyone!” Allow your child to participate in housework. Let him be more of a hindrance than a help at first, but his son or daughter will develop a desire to help with household chores. Ask your child for help, let him quickly bring a towel yourself, but it is better to ask the child about it. By asking for help, you teach your child independence and obedience. In addition, any kid is happy to help, and is happy to receive praise for his help. Material incentives deserve special attention. However, it should be noted that the promise to buy a doll in exchange for obedience is extremely ineffective. A child may be patient before making a purchase, but after he becomes the owner of the coveted toy, he will forget about his promise. And why behave well if he already has the doll. Moreover, tomorrow he will want to have a new toy, and will deliberately harass his parents with disobedience, seeking to buy what he wants in exchange for good behavior. This “exchange” can continue indefinitely, since the baby will very quickly learn the relationship between “bad behavior and buying a toy.” A legitimate question arises: why should he behave well? The situation can lead to a dead end.
How not to confuse encouraging a child with bribery
Parents sometimes confuse encouragement with bribery and pampering. They try to reward him for good behavior by buying him some thing that the child wants, and in this way they are bribing him. Even when going to see a doctor, parents often encourage this visit with a toy or candy, but when this is not at hand, it will cause a very big scandal and refusal to go to the appointment. A child should not be rewarded for good behavior with something material. It is necessary to encourage a child in the form of praise, which does not cost a penny and is always available.
Under no circumstances should you encourage a child to stop bad behavior; this will have bad consequences in the future. The child understands that further bad behavior will lead to reinforcement and will try to behave badly as often as possible.
Sometimes rewarding children with something material is not always a bad thing. In some situations, this may be helpful for further progress in behavior.
If parents decide to financially encourage their child, then they must remember the following:
— It is necessary to be aware of the child’s values, to know what is interesting to him.
— The use of material values in addition to praise when the child has reached certain heights (became an excellent student, took 1st place at the Olympiad)
- Rewards should only be given when the child has good behavior
- Unpredictability. The more unexpected the reward, the more the child will appreciate it.
“You can’t break a promise to a child.”
Examples of what incentives should be applied to a child
There are many situations when a child deserves a measure of encouragement: it can be a reward for doing homework, for sitting with a younger brother or sister, for reaching certain peaks in school activities or sections and clubs, sometimes the child is encouraged simply for good behavior.
Many adults believe that when raising children, they bribe the child with rewards and thus “buy” his good behavior. In fact, this is not so; almost all forms of encouraging a child are very important in the educational process.
Some methods of rewarding a child can also be used to encourage him to do better on an exam or write a test. In general, there are a variety of occasions and reasons for encouragement, but sometimes it happens that reasons are not required for this and they are encouraged just like that. In such families, everyone is happy: both the one who rewards and the one who is rewarded.
But, unfortunately, quite often there are families where parents, for various reasons, do not want to recognize the child’s successes and achievements. They believe that a child’s good behavior is something natural, taken for granted, and not worthy of praise.
How to encourage a child so as not to spoil him? You need to know that rewards and encouragement do not have to be material. This could be a smile or encouraging words. Modern children are beginning to value intangible rewards more, no matter how strange it may sound now.
Pre-adolescent children learn to be good, to do not only what they like, but also begin to understand that a good attitude depends on the effort they put in - this happens when parents use rewards as encouragement for good behavior.
In the modern world, when most parents are constantly at work, children desperately need the attention of mom and dad, so for many, the greater reward will not be buying a new toy or phone, but simply having their beloved parents nearby. You can combine encouragement and spending time together, which is so necessary for the child, for example, everyone can go to a water park, cafe or for a walk together.
Younger children will enjoy hearing one more story than usual as a reward for good behavior during the day. You can also allow your child to walk longer in the yard with his peers.
If a child achieves certain successes in school or a sports section, he, of course, deserves praise or even encouragement, but parents must remember that it is necessary to take into account not only the final result, but also the efforts that he put into this matter, the hard work he showed. Each child has a different level of ability, so you can’t reward talents alone; more attention should be paid to children who have difficulty doing anything. Such children are more often scolded than encouraged, but they are the ones who need approval more than others.
When encouraging, you need to pay attention to the individual characteristics of the child. A child who is modest or has lost faith in himself deserves more attention and, accordingly, some encouragement. But a self-confident and arrogant child requires a more careful approach in terms of encouragement.
In moments when children resist the will of their parents or try to do the opposite, you can use encouragement so that the child finally does what is asked of him, instead of threatening punishment. A reward quite often encourages a child to cooperate. For example, if a child eats too slowly and is naughty at the same time, say: “If you finish everything quickly now, we can go and ride your favorite slide/walk for half an hour longer.”
Parents often face the question: how to properly encourage children so as not to harm them, so that they do not follow orders and instructions only out of a desire to receive a reward?
Psychologists, when advising what incentive measures should be applied to a child, recommend the following:
- If you use a verbal method of encouragement, then it can be expressed by the words “good”, “correct”, “good girl”. When pronouncing these words, it is enough to simply smile, look approvingly at the child, pat him on the head, so he will feel that mom and dad are happy with his behavior, the way he completed this or that task. Verbal encouragement is no less important for a child than material encouragement.
- The child may receive small rewards from time to time. Receiving them, he has a natural desire to bring reciprocal joy to his parents.
- Prudent parents always have several methods of encouragement in their family: when a child behaves badly, they use one of them: for example, read a book, play a favorite game together, bake a favorite pie, go shopping together, buy a favorite sweet, watch something together TV, etc.
- Another example of encouraging a child is a gift. But this method of encouraging a child in the family must be used extremely carefully. You should give only what will contribute to the mental and physical development of the child: books, educational games and sports equipment, tools, construction sets, etc. When choosing a method of encouragement, you need to be guided by the individual characteristics of your child.
No to negativity
Parents take good behavior for granted. But even the slightest help should be rewarded with a simple “thank you,” especially for those children who have behavior problems.
If a child exhibits bad behavior, you should not focus on it, condemn or humiliate the child. This will cause his self-esteem to begin to fall, and he may harbor a grudge against you. Then his bad behavior will begin to become more frequent and become the norm. You can't dwell on your child's mistakes. The child may not even realize that he has done a bad thing. He attracts attention with his behavior, even with bad deeds.
By obsessing over the child’s bad behavior, parents provoke him. Negative attention caused by a child causes a quick and emotional reaction from parents. This is exactly what the child achieves with his behavior. Parents must understand that it is their negativity that causes an acute problem in their relationship with their child. A calm reaction to a conflict will set an example for the child of what his behavior should be and how he should behave.
Parents also need to arrange rest for themselves so that the emotional background is calm and balanced. And it doesn’t matter what views the parents hold, the main thing is to be in a good mood.
Positivity in the family
One of the important factors in a relationship with a child is encouraging good behavior. After all, a child cannot be naughty and good at the same time. The more often praise comes from the lips of parents, the more often the child strives for obedience.
By focusing on good behavior, you not only support your child, but also prepare him for future life without problems.
Without any problems, you can change your child's behavior simply by praising him. For a child, encouragement for good behavior is an incentive for good behavior. Rewarding good behavior is not bribery. It has an impact on the child's psyche and helps the child become emotionally mature because you value the good qualities in the child. So encouragement is, in a way, a parent’s contribution to the healthy future of their child.
The main mistakes that can happen in a family and prevent them from getting into a positive mood:
- Lack of support. Family support is very important. There should not be a discordant method of education in the house, therefore it is very important that other family members (grandparents, uncles, aunts) support them in raising the child.
- Scream. Those families where there is often screaming, there will be no normal communication, no normal relationship between family members. Avoiding yelling and using praise is a success in raising a child and normalizing the family atmosphere.
- High expectations. Sometimes parents don't want to praise their children because their expectations are too high.
It is very important for a child to hear that they are proud of him, admire him, and love him. And first of all, the child expects these words from his parents. Because only parents play the most important role in his life. And that means your praise has very great power and means a lot to him. And no matter how old the child is, he will always be glad to hear words of encouragement.
How to praise a child correctly
Praise has a very good effect on a child’s behavior, it is important to use it correctly and remember the following:
- Sincerity. Many children consider themselves to be on an equal footing with adults, they want to be independent and to be consulted with. But there is a feeling that is inherent even in the smallest - this is a feeling of shame. Sometimes it is very difficult for children to believe in praise; they think that it is not sincere. In order for words to be perceived sincerely, it is necessary for children to understand their parents . Only when understanding is established will the child sincerely believe in the words. After all, only then the child is perceived positively. In order to be sincere, you must be honest and speak from the heart. Praise sounds much more sincere when it is specified and makes it clear to the child why he is being praised. And what is also important is that they will make it clear how to behave further in order to earn the approval of their parents.
- Everything in moderation. In order for the child to be convinced of sincerity, it is necessary to praise him and not focus on this. Praise should be simple, you cannot talk about it constantly, then the effectiveness of praise will decrease. After praise, the child's mood rises.
- Contrast. For further mutual understanding, it is necessary to show the child how his behavior differs from the past and how his good behavior affects relationships in the family.
- Better right away. As soon as the parents noticed a change in behavior for the better. It is necessary to praise the child as quickly as possible. If you delay this, the effect will be of little importance to the child. If any little things are missed, it is never too late to notice it rather than forget it altogether.
- Diversity. It is best to give your child a variety of words to praise. This will enhance the effect. The variety of words will make the child sincerely believe in them.
- There's no need to hold back. Sometimes parents are afraid that too frequent praise will make the child spoiled. You cannot over-praise a child for good behavior, the main thing is that the praise is from the heart and without undue emphasis.
Is it necessary to encourage a child and how can this be done correctly?
All measures to encourage a child in the family should not only bring joy, but also perform an educational function.
To do this, there are several simple rules that parents should follow.
- Any encouragement must be consistent with the behavior and actions of children, i.e. be fair. It makes no sense to praise, give gifts, or lift bans for all the good deeds or the use of skills the child already knows. For example, a child has learned to tie his own shoelaces; you can reward him for this, but you don’t need to do this every time he repeats this action. Conversely, more significant actions cannot be ignored. For example, a child helped his mother wash the dishes and clean up.
- You should not encourage a child out of pity. If, for example, he was offended on the playground, you should not calm him down with candy or chocolate, it is better to help him by teaching him how to act correctly in such a situation.
- You cannot buy a child’s affection for you with praise and gifts. It is better to try to establish a trusting relationship with him through communication.
- Gradually, you need to strive to wean the child from constant material rewards for some of his actions, since he will demand gifts every time. It is necessary to explain to him that actions are performed selflessly.
- If parents praise a child, then one should always focus on the action that they support, so that the child knows what can and should be done.
Motivation for good behavior
It is also important not to forget to praise the child for his efforts. After all, he put so much effort into doing something or behaving well.
Motivation helps to concentrate on what the child is trying. Praise also helps focus attention on the outcome. Together they reinforce the desired behavior.
To properly motivate a child you need to:
- Show approval. If a child does not meet the requirements of his parents, he has different views on the world, he does not cease to be a child who wants to do everything to earn praise and be proud of him. Unrequited attempts to earn the love of parents can undermine a child's self-esteem.
- Confidence in the child. All children learn, some faster, others longer. Confidence in a child should give him the opportunity to continue learning and achieve heights, despite all the difficulties. Parents should support him in everything and tell him that he will succeed, this encourages him to succeed, as well as a normal reaction to failure. Parents must believe that the child will succeed. If parents do not believe in their child, then the child will have to fight not only his own doubts, but also the doubts of his parents.
- Memories of past successes. Memories help motivate a child to take the next step. Remembering past successes, parents motivate their child to overcome any difficulties. Children often forget about their past achievements. You just need to remind him of how well he did something.
— Analysis of a big problem into several small ones. It is very difficult for children to understand the scale of the problem. It is important for parents to help their child understand and sometimes solve all the problems together.
