Parents most often remember the fact that a child is not independent enough before kindergarten or first grade: how can he cope there alone? For many of today’s adults, it is easier to do for a child than to teach them independence in some activity or develop some skill. It really isn't easy. Sometimes adults lack the patience and imagination to teach independence, and sometimes the child himself resists it. Why?
If you want to teach your child to tie shoelaces, read, go to the store
There is a concept in psychology: “zone of proximal development.” Let's assume that a child has a certain skill X - he knows how to put on Velcro shoes. The next skill is Y, putting on shoes with laces. There is some distance between these skills. The baby himself can learn this, but it will take him a lot of time. And if you tie your shoelaces using it, it will be quick, but you will have to forget about independence. How to be?
An adult can set an intermediate point - skill X1. If X is putting on boots with Velcro, Y is boots with laces, then as X1 you can tie the laces on a doll, or lace up boots without putting them on, or lace up wooden buttons with a wooden needle.
All of these are separate lacing options, with the help of which you need to show your baby how to do it. He himself would not have thought that it was possible to learn to lace shoes on another object; this step is impossible for him. And setting up the nearest skill, i.e. what the parents came up with and helped with is the principle of the zone of proximal development. They created such a zone, and it allowed the son or daughter to progress faster in less time. This applies to almost any skill.
For example, there is knowledge of letters (point X) and the ability to read independently (point Y). These are two completely different skills: a child can know the alphabet at 3 years old, and start reading at 7 years old. And in order for him to get from point X to point Y, he needs to divide the distance not into one, but into several segments. And don’t try to do something for a boy or a girl, but at every stage come up with something that will help them.
For example, notes, books in large print, Zaitsev's cubes, inscriptions on objects, a letter received by mail that only the child himself can read. Something that allows you to get to the end point faster and easier. At the same time, we do not deprive the child of independence, we do not do it for him, but we mentally break the path to mastering the skill into parts for ourselves and thus make it more accessible.
For example, a preschooler cannot go to the store on his own, but his parents want him to be able to do this. But no one has a magic wand, and often mom and dad need to build this path, create a zone of proximal development, otherwise the child will never reach the skill point: he will be afraid to cross the street, he will be afraid of the saleswoman, he will lose money before reaching store
Or, for example, parents do homework together with the student, but want him to do it himself. If it were possible to say: “That’s it, now you do it yourself,” and he would take it and begin to do it. Such things also happen, but, unfortunately, rarely. Often, if one skill has been formed, it takes time and subdivision for another to form.
Let's join forces
Parents understand perfectly well that it is not the nanny’s child who is growing up dependent, spoiled and helpless, but their own. It makes sense for employers and nannies to join forces, be patient and sensitive.
“For parents who expect the nanny to work on the development of the child, and not his regression, I advise you to be very attentive during the trial days,” comments psychologist Marina Smovzh. — Observe how the applicant works with the child. Your presence in the room, but non-interference in the communication between the nanny and the child, will create the necessary tension, because the nanny will try to please you. And in such a critical situation for her, the basic principles of her interaction with children will be revealed in the best possible way.”
Our expert Marina Smovzh advises asking the nanny in detail about her views on the development and upbringing of the child and be sure to tell her what your child can already do on his own. “If the nanny starts doing these things for him, you will quickly be able to understand this,” says the psychologist. - For example, when you are going for a walk on a day off, you find that your child, who just a week ago set a record for putting on overalls, is sitting and waiting for your help. This situation can also be interpreted as a child’s need for your attention, for which all methods will be good, including a sudden inability to dress independently. But it wouldn’t hurt to discuss sudden helplessness with the nanny.”
Raising independence in a little person is not an easy task and requires from all adults in the house, in addition to sensitivity and patience, consistency and agreement among themselves. For example, a conscientious and responsible nanny can teach a capricious spoiled child to clean up his toys every evening, and then he will go to visit his grandparents, and in a couple of weeks they will nullify all the nanny’s achievements.
“What is needed here, first of all, is a clear position from the parents,” says psychologist Andrei Konovalov and offers five tips for mothers and fathers who want to grow not a greenhouse plant, but an independent person.
- Parents must determine for themselves all those useful independence skills in the child that they consider necessary to develop in him in accordance with his age at the moment (lacing shoes, independence at the table, etc.).
- Before starting the search for a nanny, the adults in the family need to agree with each other on all the requirements for the hired worker, including the useful skills that the nanny will instill in the child. Of course, you need to be aware that it is often easier and faster for a nanny to do everything herself than to wait for the baby to do it himself. And, nevertheless, this does not mean at all that it is impossible to come to an agreement with the future nanny.
- When interviewing a nanny, immediately clearly discuss with her all the necessary skills to be imparted to the child as one of the conditions for providing the job. This may come at some additional financial cost.
- Supervise the work of the nanny. Under no circumstances should you leave the development of these skills to chance, but also do not demand lightning-fast results from either the nanny or the child. We must remember that children are all different and have different abilities. In general, show a reasonable sense of proportion in accordance with your child’s abilities.
- And finally, on Sundays and free days, which the child spends with his parents, ask him about the results obtained, help, explain and train them in their implementation. And, of course, do not forget that ultimately the responsibility for the upbringing and development of the child lies with his parents.
Maria Ivannikova
How to find the zone of proximal development
One of the main parenting skills associated with the development of independence is to find the zone of proximal development, to see how you can help without depriving the child of the opportunity to do what is necessary himself. If you do everything for your son or daughter, such “training” will last an unlimited number of hours until the child at some point refuses to do anything at all. Therefore, understanding where to give independence is a subtle parenting art.
To do this, you need to imagine how children grow. Very often, the parents of the first-born do not know what stage of development he will have next. They don’t understand what is normal and at what age. Should he already be able to brush his teeth, tie his own shoelaces, take out the trash, or is it too early for him? And this is important, because if parents do not know what to expect, it will be difficult for them to help the baby. It is also worth considering that today’s parents remember their own childhood, in which there was much more independence - compared to the current situation.
It is very useful for a parent to see different children around, so that they can use their example to understand what a small person of a given age can do. Sometimes this can be a revelation: “How is it - at the age of seven he can already cut lettuce! And we didn’t even think that this was possible...” Plus, there are books describing skills by age.
Regression - not only when a younger brother or sister appears
There may be a situation where a child severely refuses to take on this or that action. It seems that mom and dad are for independence, a zone of proximal development and all the conditions have been created, but the baby doesn’t want it. He may “not want” without words, or express refusal through his behavior, or say: “I’m still small.”
And here you have to think. Just as there are parents who are inclined to do everything for the child, there are also parents who are completely “independent”: they want the child to do everything himself. But maybe it doesn't suit him.
If a son or daughter refuses independence, they may be in age regression, temporary or prolonged. Regression is when a step is taken back in development, the child begins to behave like a child: he asks for a pacifier, he begins to lisp.
The reason may be moving to another place of residence, or the arrival of a new nanny, or the appearance of a new teacher at school; the fact that mom went to work or, conversely, left work and is sitting at home. In a state of regression, children react extremely poorly to attempts to give them independence: moms and dads continue to insist, and boys and girls regress even more. Parents' persistence leads to even greater backsliding.
Any major change in a child’s life can become a source of stress and temporary regression, a step back. It is advisable to discover this source and, if it is clear where it is, wait - from one and a half to three months, this is the usual adaptation period.
For example, a child who started school or kindergarten or moved to a stronger school in high school often remains in a state of regression for a very long time at home. In the garden or at school, he gives his all, there are no complaints against him, he does everything, obeys, but comes home - and that’s it. At home, he does not even do 2/3 of what he did before he went to a new educational institution.
Why does a child refuse independence?
If you press, the situation may worsen. If you don’t put pressure on it at all, it can stay like this forever, gain a foothold. Therefore, it is necessary to competently make sure that regressive behavior at home becomes unprofitable for the child himself. You need to select a key that is right for your baby: for some it will be normal if the parent begins to feel sorry for him and baby him, but for others this will reinforce regressive behavior, which means a different method will be needed.
Usually there are a lot of attempts: one day they tried one thing, another day another - something will do. It is important not to be afraid to experiment and it is important that the behavior of your son or daughter eventually returns to the age norm and does not regress further. And it is useful to understand the source of stress: if three months have passed and all attempts are in vain, maybe there is something in the kindergarten or school that is unbearable for the child.
It is useless to raise a child who is “insane”, who does not hear you: you will waste energy and emotions, but there will be no point. If he is constantly in the zone of inadequacy, then a big question arises: at the expense of what?
Mastering independence skills takes energy and time from both parents and children. To learn to read, do homework on your own, tie your shoelaces, you need strength. If a child's schedule is designed in such a way that he does not have these strengths, then he will not be able to learn new skills. Effort requires not only classes at school or in the pool, mastering new things is also work. If there is no energy for it, then it is useless to demand.
How to teach a child to eat independently
One of the difficult questions is how to teach a child to eat independently. Breastfeeding, bottles, small spoons - all this should be in the arsenal of every family. But then the time comes when the child is already able to hold a spoon and a mug. What to pay attention to and how to properly teach yourself to eat?
It is best to allow children to make their first attempts at self-feeding when they are over 6 months of age. An older child already has a character and will most likely begin to be capricious and demand to be spoon-fed. He already knows the difference between service and independence.
Parents should be prepared that learning to feed independently is a labor-intensive, nervous, and dirty process. It is necessary to equip a place for him - a table and a chair, where the baby will always sit to eat.
It is also better to use dishes that do not break, do not hurt and weigh little. Armed with the right attitude and sense of humor, and having prepared extra clothes and towels, feel free to start feeding.
The initial stage after the nipple and bottle can be a drinking bowl, from which the child will learn to drink. Once this process is mastered, move on to a cup. Children with a normal level of development master drinking from a cup by 10-11 months.
By 8 months you can give your baby a spoon. It should be small, light, made of plastic or silicone, so that the child enjoys not only holding it in his hands, but also eating from it. Choose bright colors, but don't get carried away with the decor, it can be unsafe.
Don't be surprised if your child stirs the food on the plate with a spoon and eats with his hands. At an early age, food is of slightly different interest than satisfying hunger. Children are attracted by consistency, temperature, flowability, and stretchiness. Therefore, you can stir the porridge with your hands (it slurps funny), check the vermicelli for length (it hangs funny), mash the berries (they splatter joyfully with juice), and pull the jelly out of the bowl.
This is how children learn about the world, and this is quite normal. The main thing is that after the research, you still need to teach the child to eat food, and not use it as a game.
It is recommended to give a fork to babies after one year, and only if it is safe as an object.
When your baby begins to eat most of the portion on his own, stop feeding him with a spoon. Otherwise, the process will go back, the child will constantly wait for the moment until the mother takes the spoon in her hands and feeds him cleanly and quickly.
Teach kids to wipe their mouths and fingers with napkins, and use a towel as protection for clothing.
