How to raise a son correctly: the role of a father, advice from a psychologist

How can a father raise his son correctly?

Regardless of what worldview the child’s parents adhere to, what society they live in, what religion they profess, some principles remain unchanged from time immemorial.
So, a man in any normal family is a protector, capable of solving problems, achieving set goals, being moderately strict and firm when necessary, but reasonable and caring the rest of the time. The basic principle of raising a son by a father is the transfer of his experience. It can hardly be denied that the boy considers his father, consciously and unconsciously, as his main role model. After all, the boy is the future man himself. Even an older brother, grandfather, uncle and any other relatives of the same sex are such significant persons in his perception, especially at an early age.

Different peoples and different cultures have their own ideas about how exactly a father should raise his son. But the basics remain unchanged: the father must pass on to his son all the best that he has . After many years, the father will be able to be proud of his son if he sees that he has become the same as him and surpassed him. Of course, another reason to be proud of the boy who became a husband will appear when he starts his own family and begins to raise his children.

Qualities that need to be laid down

A boy will not grow up on his own. Parental care, which consists of feeding and hygienic care, will not make a worthy man out of him. As a child grows up, it is necessary to instill in him certain habits, develop skills and knowledge. First of all, the father must do this.

At an early age, a boy receives from both parents a much-needed dose of love and tenderness, a sense of security, and a positive charge for life.

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Books on raising boys

Then he obtains the necessary knowledge and develops his abilities. At this time, kindness and responsiveness should be cultivated in him, and the harmonious development of personality should be taught.

The father will help the boy to a greater extent not to get confused in adult life, to gain self-respect and responsibility, since for his son he is a model of an adult man.

How to educate correctly?

Psychologists, teachers, and researchers of family values do not always agree on how exactly a father should raise his children and, in particular, his sons. Different nations have different regulations on this matter. They are often based on religious dogma. Many of these dogmas are already morally outdated, and some turned out to be incorrect. But something can still be gleaned from traditional experience.

Combining traditions with the results of the latest research, we can draw several conclusions about what kind of upbringing is generally considered correct :

The son should not be afraid of his father, should not be ashamed of him, should not despise him. He should be proud of him and strive to be like him.
A father should be an example of masculinity, firmness, perseverance and determination for his son.
It is the father who should be next to his son in those moments when it is difficult for him, especially in childhood. He is the first mentor and main defender .
While caring for his son and protecting him, the father should not allow his son to grow up timid and indecisive. He needs to be encouraged to become independent.

Education is a continuous process. Its correctness is determined not by some general prescriptions, but by a specific result. If a mature son is grateful to his father, and his father is proud of him, it means that his upbringing was correct.

No war

No matter how badly the child’s father treats you, do not drag your child into adult disputes. Your phrase that “dad abandoned us” can become a real trauma for the boy. Children tend to blame themselves for everything that happens in the family. The baby will begin to ask himself questions about why exactly his dad left him, why he didn’t like him, and this is fundamentally wrong. The father will always be a father, and the child will carry pain and resentment toward him throughout his entire life, including for his mother.

Try to behave neutrally, do not pour out all your emotions about this on your child. For kids, mothers come up with a story about where dad went, and you can have a heart-to-heart talk with a teenager, avoiding harsh assessments of the father. A grown-up child is already able to draw conclusions and decide how to approach the situation. Dad is part of the child. By calling your father unflattering epithets in the presence of your son, you seem to transfer them to your beloved child, without thinking about it at all. Do not involve the boy in your war, do not share your pain with him.

If there are relatives or paternal grandparents who love the child and want to communicate, there is no need to forbid them to see each other without good reason. It will only be better for the child if there are more people who love him. If you want to discourage communication, weigh the pros and cons. Ask yourself why you are doing this. If the reason is resentment towards your ex-partner, irritation towards his relatives, then perhaps you should step over yourself. A woman who is alien and hostile to you is a loving grandmother to your son. Moreover, while she is busy with her grandson, you can relax or go about your business. Don't refuse help, you need to take care and love yourself. Raising a boy without a father is hard work, but you can do it.

Tags:Parenting, Boy

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The role of the father in education

It is hardly possible to neglect the thousand-year experience of many peoples, who since ancient times have divided the roles of men and women in the family, including when raising children. Today there is turmoil in the minds, many family values are crumbling, in some countries the institution of the family is in a deplorable state, and the relationship between fathers and sons is far from what it used to be.

But we must never forget about the role of the father. A mother will always be affectionate, caring, gentle, loving for her son, ready to warm and calm him down. A father should also be caring, but in a different way. It shouldn't be too soft . His severity and justice become a measure of responsibility for his son. The boy learns to be responsible for his words and actions, to bear responsibility and deserved punishment thanks to his father. The father praises deservedly, and his praise is never a consolation - it is always to the point, just like condemnation.

In a family where the roles of men and women are not merged, where there is a strict division in accordance with traditional values, a growing boy will never develop psychological complexes. He will not become a mama's boy, nor a timid or shy person, nor a cruel or heartless person. He will grow up to be like his father and surpass him - he will turn out to be a real man, to the delight of his parents .

Raising an heir - what a father should know and be able to do

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How to become a good father for your son? What needs to be done for a child to absorb the best qualities of a man and successfully go through all the difficulties and convolutions of life’s path? To correctly accept and increase all the power of wisdom and useful experience? A responsible parent thinks about this from the very beginning, that is, even before his heir is born. The role of a father in raising his son is so enormous that not everyone can even imagine it. Naturally, the baby as such is not born a ready-made man - he acquires these qualities over the years, seeing before him the living example of his father. And the better the example, the faster the father understands this and fully realizes his role in the family and raising his son, the better, the more effective the child’s growth will be, the stronger the father’s influence will be, the higher the authority of the man, the head of the family. Opportunities missed in terms of raising a child, unfortunately, are not returned. You don't have to wait until it's too late, you have to act—right now. From the very first steps of life, the father becomes the boy's first mentor, his best friend. They have a special relationship that can be called a male type of partnership. A man has his own method of education, even if he does not consciously try to educate someone. And the boy always watches his father, comprehends his style of behavior and adopts, if not his very essence, then certainly his attitude to the world, a set of qualities, a certain “self,” breed. Despite all his busy work, even if it is difficult and exhausting, the father must pay maximum attention to his son. Some men, unfortunately, have their own “excuses”, for example, an emphasis on making money, on achieving material values (and - what a paradox! - they explain their removal from children precisely by the desire to benefit them). There are also cases when the father compensates for his care by purchasing toys or technical devices, that is, simply put, he pays off the child. In fact, this is a mistake, voluntary or involuntary, a sign of parental surrender and escape from their responsibilities. And someone, on the contrary, goes to the other extreme, demanding absolute obedience, unquestioning submission to oneself, compliance with pedantically drawn up rules and tedious instructions. Both are harmful, vicious paths. Mistakes and miscalculations in male education are too costly and will hurt the student himself in the future. There is a risk that the son will accept and internalize incorrect attitudes towards his future wife, future children and, in general, towards the surrounding reality and his entire life. The consequences can be very sad. Therefore, the father must become an example for his son, show a certain ideal and model of behavior and life attitudes. Every boy needs help to learn and understand life, social relations and norms. As a result, the father (in the son’s perception) needs to be able and know everything. A man should be concerned about the full development of the child’s personality. And it’s not even about some dry information, not about dictionary references and paragraphs, but about the method of cognition itself. The father must help his son develop the right attitude towards the material of life. Roughly speaking, create a skeleton on which meat will then grow. Moreover, this applies to both mental and physical labor. Starting from school performance and ending with the development of an analytical mind. Attitudes towards faith, religion, and the spiritual field also largely depend on father’s instructions. As statistics show, if a man is a believer, then in 70% of cases his children also grow up to be believers, and if only the mother believes in God, then this figure is much lower - somewhere around 5%. The father must teach his son how to manage the household and take on the most difficult part of the work. Of course, you need to start small, for example, sweep the floor, put away your toys. And then - more and more. Then there will be a study of the financial component of everyday life. Over time, the child should have a clear idea of what money is, where it comes from and where it is spent. It is necessary to develop the correct attitude of children towards money - that very golden mean. Do not worship banknotes like idols, do not cross all boundaries to obtain them. But don’t be too carefree, thinking that they grow on trees. We also need to teach kids to be responsible, to be responsible for their words and to keep promises. The father must pass on his strength and confidence to the child, teach him to respect the law and be disciplined. And, of course, do not forget about proper communication with the opposite sex. A chivalrous attitude towards a lady has been valued at all times. Unfortunately, some men have a feigned sense of superiority over women, looking down, and sometimes contempt. Such a father, subconsciously instilling his views in his child, may unwittingly ruin his future family life. The father's standards of behavior and moral character are very important. For example, if a man smokes or abuses alcohol, what can he say to his son if he notices the same vices? What kind of authority can we talk about? The proverb about the apple tree and the apple was not invented without reason. So it turns out that “difficult teenagers” largely appear because of “difficult fathers.” It is usually more difficult for a father to raise a son than a daughter. And it is precisely because they are the same gender that their connection becomes stronger. Men, be vigilant, remember, your son is also a future husband and father. We must immediately respond to any changes in the behavior of our sons, correcting possible deviations and mistakes in a timely manner. Otherwise, it will become almost impossible to uproot weeds that have become stiff and firmly rooted in the soil. Alexander KOLCHIN

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How to raise a real man?

What is a real man like? Different people have their own ideas about this. Summarizing traditional experience and psychological ideas, we can conclude in which case a mature boy corresponds to this idea:

A man treats a woman as an equal, loves and protects her, but never oppresses her, much less commits violence against her.
A man treats his parents with gratitude and respect, and his children with care and attention.
At any time, a man is ready to defend himself from an external threat. He protects his children, his family, his loved ones, and if necessary, then his country.
The masculinity, determination and firmness of a real man are supported by his restraint . He never becomes cheeky, cruel or rude.
A man has moral principles, he is quiet, responsible, keeps his promises and is responsible for everything he does or says.
Under no circumstances will a real man use physical force to resolve disputes and conflicts, but if he is attacked, he will always be ready to fight back.

The main way to instill in a boy such principles of behavior is to demonstrate them by example . You will never be able to make your son a real man if you yourself do not correspond to this image.

Features of education by year

At different periods of life, raising a son has its own characteristics. So, in the preschool period, mainly from two to five years, the father is all-powerful for his son - a kind giant, a fairy-tale strongman, a great hero, a conqueror of monsters living in the dark. Taking care of his son and being nearby, the father reminds him that there is always protection, there is always someone strong and ready to help. At the same time, it is thanks to his father that the boy learns at an early age to be responsible and honest .

The beginning of the school period is the beginning of socialization. From approximately the age of seven until the beginning of adolescence, that is, on average up to thirteen years, a boy experiences different stages of development. He learns to have his own opinion and defend it, encounters various manifestations of public life, and fights back against offenders. The father's task is to help his son survive this stress, but at the same time prevent him from becoming soft or indecisive.

Finally, at about the age of thirteen, one of the most difficult periods begins - adolescence. The physiological and psychological changes that occur to the boy at this time radically change his idea of the world and himself. Not everything that worries him can be discussed with his mother. It is with his father that he now has truly masculine conversations .

The task of an adult man is to convey to his growing son the maximum experience related to social, psychological, and sexual aspects. In the modern world, full of dubious and destructive trends, it is especially important for a father to protect his son from the development of unhealthy tendencies, behavioral (including sexual) deviations, cruelty, immorality, and asociality.

The father's role is to not lose contact with his son and not become an "old man" with whom there is no point in talking. It is ideal when a father remains a senior comrade, a loyal friend and a reliable adviser even for an already adult son .

Parenting without a mother, after divorce

It is especially difficult for men who raise children alone. Regardless of what caused this state of affairs, the father’s task faces a double difficulty: he needs to take care of his son and, moreover, prevent him from growing up callous without maternal love . This can be achieved in different ways.

Some men prefer to raise their son alone, trying to be both moderately strict and moderately affectionate with him at the same time. Some people prefer to remarry. Practice shows that the stepmother does not always find a common language with the boy. But it is the man who must improve the relationship between his new wife and son.

Do's and don'ts

Certain restrictions and rules in a man’s behavior will allow him to raise his son without allowing unfavorable changes in his perception:

A father can be strict in order to inspire respect . However, he should never be cruel, and in no case should he instill fear in his son.
A man can remain strong and teach his son the same. But under no circumstances should he be callous and indifferent.
The father's word must have weight , and such that he never has to back it up with physical force. This is achieved through responsible behavior.
The father can reward and punish his son fairly, always explaining the reason. He should neither pamper him nor punish him just like that, for no reason.
In supporting his son as he develops as a man, a father can use different methods. But under no circumstances should he sneer at the boy, mock him, humiliate him for his misdeeds, or condemn him in public.

Reasonably limiting yourself is not just acceptable, but necessary. After all, a father is one of the key role models for a boy, and therefore any uncontrolled behavior can become a negative example .

The main list of recommendations that a father should follow boils down to this:

A man needs to make sure that his son respects and obeys him, but in no case is he afraid .
The qualities of a real man can only be cultivated if the father himself is an example of them.
In different years, you need to raise your son in different ways, moving from protection and guardianship to helping him become an independent person.
Even if you have to raise your son alone or after a divorce, you should maintain a trusting relationship with him.

As already mentioned, proper upbringing ensures a worthy result: the son will be grateful to his father, and the father will be proud of his son.

How to raise a son: a guide for fathers without embellishment

Whatever one may say, the role of the father in raising a boy is greater than that of the mother. Her task is to raise her son in love, respect and harmony. But it is the father who can instill all the necessary qualities by his example. There is a lot of advice online for parents of boys. But Andrei Eremin’s text is a manual for fathers without any embellishment.

About how to properly give a child pocket money, how to develop independence, how to communicate with girls, about the importance of respecting the interests of the child, and in general - about everything that concerns raising a boy. Andrey wrote frank advice for fathers on how to raise their son. We admit that the text even had to be edited - it was too “frank”.

Do you want to make your child happy? Rent him an apartment at the age of 17, find a job with friends for 3-4 hours a day and visit him once a week. And threaten that if they fail at school/university, their happiness will end and the child will move to your home, where your rules will be. And by the age of 20, say that you have run out of money for an apartment, you are already old and want to retire. And don't pay at all. By the age of 26, your child will call you and ask: “You don’t need money, can you help with anything?”

Of course, work needs to be done before this. Until the age of 5-7, a child should not have much freedom. You are the father, you are in charge, as you said, so it will be. And then you introduce choices and responsibilities in parallel. Do you want to choose what clothes to wear? Wash your favorite jacket. Do you want to eat dumplings? Here's the dough, minced meat - mold and cook. Do you want to walk until night? All lessons must be done, all that are assigned. And keep your word. A woman must love a child, any child, but you must raise her. If he’s offended, let him complain to mom, and if you hear mom say that dad is evil, discuss it with her, but so that the child doesn’t see. Mom and dad always love each other and always come to an agreement.

No money for toys is the worst thing you can say to a child. The child will think that his parents are poor and losers. A toy is not allowed because the child no longer needs toys. The ones we have are enough. When you decide he needs a new toy, then buy it. If the child really wants it, let him do something to make it easier for you to earn money for a toy. He’ll wash the dishes for a week, mop the floor, and add a shelf while you’re working.

The absence of media junk is useful if the child is under 10. If this is the norm in your family. And if you yourself sit in front of the TV for days, and your children are ninis, then what example will you set?

Sections? Wonderful. Take it, show it, let it fit, if you don’t like it, don’t. Doesn’t want to try - forty push-ups. My father said that he had to try - let him try. If you don't like it, do something else. Do you like sitting in the yard? Sit, just do your homework, and then go wherever you want. With the holes under the fence, I must say, it’s not interesting at all, except for the same holes. And if your child can light a fire, solder a robot and in five minutes draw a photorealistic monster from the nearest movie on the asphalt, then all the more he will have nothing to do on the benches. If you want to interest someone, show by example that you yourself know something about art. If he wants to tell you, listen carefully. If you see that something is wrong, just say: here you are doing great, but here you need to work and it will be good. Sooner or later, the child will find something that he really enjoys; when he finds it, be happy, support, criticize, be interested.

Once you empty your pockets and find cigarettes, you will forever break your child’s trust in adults in general, and all your teachings will be perceived as nonsense. Did you come drunk? He sleeps under the door. All. No exceptions. Mother don't listen. You came later than one in the morning without warning - you sleep under the door. Solve your problems yourself, it’s not difficult to call, it’s not difficult not to drink either. One night under the door - and your child will swear off trying any unfamiliar substances without 100% foreseeing the possible consequences.

Pocket money is sacred. Let him do whatever he wants with them. His money. No control. I gave it and forgot. Set a weekly (not daily), or even better, monthly limit. And let him get out of it. By the 8th grade, let this limit include school supplies such as notebooks and textbooks. Then - food in the canteen, then - clothes. By college, your child will already be able to manage his or her finances in full: from food to long-term purchases such as a computer, or even a car. If you want more, tell me where to earn money. And take an interest in this question in advance, where a loafer schoolboy can earn money, quickly and not particularly hard. Go to the nearest car washes and ask if they need a boy to help you for small change. Walk around your local service stations and ask if they need a sweeper and hold. At the hairdresser, ask if your child can sweep with it on a regular basis. Yes, when everyone is playing and you are working, it’s a shame, but in an hour you will finish working and buy what you want with your money. It’s such a thrill that he’s unlikely to spend it on drinks, he’ll regret it, he’d rather save up for a skateboard and be the most alpha alpha, because he earned it himself and wasn’t given by dad.

And the most important thing is to be at the same time with him. You can even scold him with obscenities if there is something for it, while you two are alone. But in front of strangers, he has his own honor, and you have your own honor. And if your drunken corefan to your child so casually “little one, go get a beer quickly,” then the only correct answer is to tell the child: “You are not small, you are my son, he asked impolitely, if you don’t want it, don’t go, I don’t need beer.” . So that the child knows that you can and should stand up for your honor, and not stand with your tongue stuck in one place. That he is not obliged to do favors for anyone if he does not feel such a desire, except if he is in debt to someone.

Ignoring the gender of the child

If the father cannot change the sex of the child, then he often comes to an unconscious decision to ignore the presence of a daughter. This behavior manifests itself in the fact that he does not take the baby in his arms and is not interested in how she is doing. If a second boy is born in such a family, then the girl will be doomed to the role of Cinderella. If it’s a girl, then the attitude towards her will most likely be the same. Such girls are desperately trying to prove something to their father, to gain his attention and approval, but when they encounter complete ignorance and unwillingness to communicate, they gradually become disappointed. Such girls also often have problems in relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood, due to the initially incorrect relationship model laid down by their father.