In the first minutes of life, the child immediately meets his mother. Mom is everything to him now. For many years she will become a reliable support and support for him. Will protect him from adversity and bad weather, show him the vast world. By carrying the baby in her arms, the mother shows her love and care. When bringing a child into his future and eagerly awaiting home, at first parents are ready to carry their baby in their arms always and under any circumstances.
But the weeks pass and the child grows, matures, and gains weight. My mother's fragile hands are starting to get tired. Things pile up, work piles up, but the little one still doesn’t want to wean himself off his mother’s hands. Here everyone has a question: when should we start weaning a child, because this cannot go on forever? This question is very popular and is discussed with great excitement on the Internet in various blogs.
Important!
You can start weaning your toddler off your hands from the first month of life, at two years, at three. It all depends on you, parents!
Why does a toddler get used to being held?
The baby cannot do without the tender and caring hands of his mother. Don't be afraid to pamper him! He got used to your heartbeat, warmth and smell. Being on your chest, he feels like a part of you, receives physical contact, which is so important to him in the first stages of life.
But sometimes babies don’t want to give up their mother’s hands for other reasons: because the little person feels some discomfort - intestinal colic. This may also be the reason for frequent crying. The child is waiting to be picked up and pressed with his tummy against the warm skin of his mother. Then the muscles relax, as a result of the appearance of human warmth, and the condition of the tummy returns to normal. The colic period lasts a relatively short time - 3-4 months after birth.
We all know that everything should be in moderation, especially when it comes to raising a child. Strongly loving parents can negatively affect the child's character and behavior in the future. If a child receives love and affection to a certain “measure,” then he will grow up to be kind, caring, responsible and understanding.
But you shouldn’t deprive your baby of affection and love in general. A developing person needs to feel cared for and experience tender feelings, otherwise he will feel lonely, have trouble getting along with people, and it will be difficult for him to make friends.
A child can also get used to holding hands because he is rarely in big company and is afraid or shy of new people.
You may also be interested in learning “How to wean your baby off the bottle? Advice for parents."
Why does the baby “ask to be held”?
A mother’s natural reaction to a baby’s crying is the desire to take him in her arms and calm him down. At first, a woman who has recently become a mother finds it difficult to recognize the reasons for her child’s anxiety by the nature of her crying. And they can be different:
- baby is hungry;
- he has wet or dirty diapers;
- he begins to get sick, he is tormented by colic;
- the baby is cold or, conversely, he is hot;
- due to overexcitation and fatigue, the baby cannot fall asleep;
- he is lonely and lacks impressions.
Until a mother takes her child in her arms, she may not understand what the baby needs. As soon as the baby is in the arms of his mother, he, feeling protection, comfort and love, calms down for the first moments. And then it becomes clear to the mother what the reason for the crying is, and she eliminates it - changes her clothes, feeds her, warms her, lulls her to sleep.
This desire of the baby to feel the warmth of the mother’s hands and body is quite understandable: he did not part with his mother for nine long months, was one with her, and when something begins to bother the newborn, he seeks protection from a loved one.
How to wean a child from excessive attachment to hands?
- If the baby accepts only the mother’s hands, then you can try to “pass” the child into the hands of relatives or dad. You can use the services of a nanny. If a child gets used to the hands of his grandmother, aunt, dad, uncle, then it will be easier for him to get used to a nanny or going to kindergarten.
- Replace holding hands with close physical contact. That is, for example, when a mother is sitting on the sofa, the child can lie next to her. Mommy can give him a light massage of his back and tummy. By doing this you do not deprive the child of proper care and attention. Over time, the baby will lose the habit of being held.
- When the little one suddenly starts crying and starts furiously asking to be held, then mom can distract him with games, hide and seek, cartoons, show him a dog, a house, a picture.
- You can distract your child with bright musical toys. They will immediately attract the attention of the baby. Loud cheerful music and a squeaking plush bunny will become his friend and a substitute for his mother’s hands.
- For older children, games in pairs are suitable - rolling a ball, hide and seek, catch-up, driving a car.
- Do not abruptly remove your baby from your arms.
- Place a mobile above your child's crib and show him various toys.
- Buy a multi-colored developmental mat. Many children find it interesting to sit on them and look at them. These mats are very soft, which provides additional protection against abrasions and bruises when falling.
- When putting your baby to sleep, do not rock him. You can hold him on your lap for a while and later transfer him to the crib.
Important!
These methods should be applied gradually, first for 1-2 minutes. Increase the time of walking with your feet with close contact with your mother (walking by the hand).
How not to teach a child to hold hands
How long have you been lying on your back, helpless, scared and restless, unable to control the movements of your arms and legs? You are still too young to express yourself and ask for help other than by screaming. But your cry remains a voice in the desert - you lie alone. This is how you are raised.
Dear adults, I’ll whisper in your ear:
— If you don’t want your baby to grow up strong and healthy and have a stable nervous system, don’t pick him up.
— If you don’t want him to produce enough growth hormone, don’t pick him up.
— If you hope to stop breastfeeding as soon as possible, don’t pick her up.
— Do you think a newborn has no need to be sure that he is loved? In a feeling of safety and a reliable rear in a ring of warm hugs? No need to naturally learn emotional and physical affection? Then refuse to hold him in your arms, don’t rock him to sleep, and leave him alone in the crib as often as possible.
Often behind the doubt whether or not to take a child in your arms at the first request is a banal ignorance of the stages of child development. Hand training is a myth. Being held is a natural right. Remember the animal world - where has it been seen that a cub requiring attention is denied it? For many days and months, mothers carry them on themselves or in their teeth, keeping them constantly at their side until the cubs give a signal that they are ready for a separate existence.
Skin contact is a basic need. This is salvation from fear, helplessness, the threat of an unfamiliar world. This is healing from bodily discomfort - abdominal cramps and headaches. Yes, some newborns have headaches!
Taking someone in your arms often means future confidence, independence, and a sense of self-worth.
The very first sense that a child becomes familiar with in the womb is touch. Thanks to intrauterine touches, he calms down, studies the world around him, and his brain actively develops. The same processes continue after birth. Skin-to-skin contact stimulates the production of growth hormone and other metabolic processes in the baby’s body.
The phrase came to us from the ancient traditions of nurturing: a child is carried for eighteen months - nine months in the womb and nine months in arms.
For a newborn baby, contact with the hands of the parents is vital. There is no reason to worry about future independence - the situation changes with age: with a child of six to nine months, the interaction algorithm is already different, new rules of communication appear.
I regularly conduct psychological support groups for young mothers. During the classes, women share their experiences on how to survive the difficult first months. How to cope with household chores and fatigue when the baby constantly asks to be held.
Some mothers simplify their lives and put things off without regret so that they can pick up their son or daughter at the first cry. Others find a solution in using a sling. Some people find it more convenient to resort to the help of relatives or a housekeeper.
Correct prioritization plus a little creativity - and the process of carrying a child in your arms ceases to be perceived as hard labor.
Follow the inner response to the infant's call and you will definitely find a way to organize your life in a new way for the next six months.
And protect your child from comparisons. Your baby and your neighbor’s baby differ not only in appearance, but also in the functioning of the nervous system, stress resistance, and emotional needs. Therefore, one person needs to spend a lot of time in his arms, while another needs a few minutes per hour.
No matter how many words you say or write, they cannot explain bodily experience. I propose a joint experiment: lie down on the floor right now and imagine that you are not in control of your own body. You are unable to roll over, crawl, or even move from one place; your limbs move chaotically and do not obey. Uncomfortable, anxious, wanting warmth and touch. You need to be taken care of. You need hands in which you will blissfully fall asleep.
Time passes, but still no hands. What do you feel? Despair, fear? Pain and discomfort? Or, without waiting, disappointment and apathy?
This is just an experiment and you are an adult. Imagine what then happens to your child’s feelings and body.
In very early childhood, the child assimilates the maternal and family message, and later transfers it to the whole world. So let mother’s hands, father’s hands and other relatives tell him: we have been waiting for you, you are our treasure. We will warm you, feed you, and won’t hurt you. We will protect and help you cope with the difficulties of life. You're safe. You are loved.
One day your child will have enough to eat and, full of love, confident and independent, will leave to conquer the vast world. In the meantime, hold it tightly and close to your heart.
What to do if all the methods have already been tried, and the child whimsically asks to be held?
If you do not get the desired result, then relax and don’t think about this problem. As your baby grows up, he will develop a lot of new hobbies and interests, and he will independently wean himself from your hands. If your baby needs physical contact, provide it to him.
Advice!
To prevent your fragile hands from feeling tired, you will need such an interesting device as a sling. This is a fabric that is wrapped around the mother’s body and forms a kind of pocket for the baby on her chest. In this pocket he can sit either facing his mother or away from her. The advantage of a sling is that mom will always have her hands free and can do some household chores.
When weaning your child from your hands, know: very soon the little one will grow up and he will no longer need your affection so much. Enjoy his growth, teach him new things, explore the world with him. Skin-to-skin contact with your child is also beneficial for you. After all, when he grows up, he will not run into your arms because of failure in school or relationships. He will never be as close as he is now. You will remember with warmth in your heart that once this little baby hugged your neck with her arms, pressed herself against your body, expressing her love to you. Remember: each period on Earth has its own time!
How to wean a child off your hands?
“You carry it in your stomach for 9 months, in your arms for 3 years, and in your heart for the rest of your life.”
- the post is replete with the popular public page for moms on VKontakte. And in the same public there are discussions where girls ask for advice - HOW? How to wean a child off your hands? Age - from zero to one year...
At the end of the article, we have prepared for you an interesting checklist “20 ways to show your children your love.” Download it and share your love with your child every day!
No matter how much information there is that carrying a child in her arms is useful and important for his development, not every mother is ready to devote herself entirely to this process. After all, babies get heavier every month. And what should a mother weighing 45 kg do with a 10 kg six-month-old? How can you manage to clean the house, feed your older children and husband, take care of yourself, and even work? What if the problem is that the child sleeps EXCLUSIVELY in his arms? Having laid it down, he wakes up...
“But there was no need to teach!”
—
I heard this advice from a friend, sharing that my daughter slept in my arms that night.
She is not the only one with this opinion. The older generation fully and completely support this principle. But not a single mother INTENTIONALLY taught her child to hold her hands - everything happened naturally and by itself. How not to take and calm a crying baby? How not to hug and feel sorry when a child is scared? How to let go of your breast when he smacks you so sweetly, without accepting parting and going to bed?
Let's be gentle on this issue and make weaning comfortable for mother and baby. So that the child is not deprived of touches and the mother can relax and do her business.
The most important thing is not to suddenly remove your hands!
This is stressful for the child. Let everything be gradual - as much as the situation allows.
Eliminate the cause of crying, anxiety
Why might a baby cry? He is hot, cold, wet, he is hungry, he is itching somewhere, his tummy is bothering him, he is scared, he is overexcited, etc. There are many reasons! She calms down in her arms, at her breast, sucking milk, listening to her mother breathe, in the warmth of her body. Try to find the cause of the crying and eliminate it. Maybe a toy hanging over the crib arouses fear rather than interest, so the baby doesn’t want to lie there?
Sling = hands free
“How to wean a child off your hands? – put him... in a sling!
The most loyal way out of the situation. Suitable for those for whom it is important to combine physical contact with the baby and household chores. And the child will sleep no matter the noise (after all, you won’t be walking around on tiptoes with him), and your loved ones will not be left without dinner.
Nest, cocoon
Some kind of soft, rag cradle. You can make it yourself (by rolling up two rolls from a blanket, securing the “sides” with clothespins, leaving the bed for the baby) or buying it in a store. If you have a pregnancy pillow left over, you can “make” a good nest out of it. When a child sleeps only in his arms, such a thing can be a salvation. A toddler who has fallen asleep in the nest can be placed in a crib/stroller/on the sofa and, thanks to the bolsters, he will have the feeling that he is still being hugged.
Change your sleeping position
Sometimes a child fidgets in his sleep because he lies uncomfortably. If he is just a baby, then he will not be able to change the position on his own. Before picking it up, try placing it on the other side. And you can even scratch your back lightly.
Gradually introduce new sleep associations
If the child always had hands and rocking before bed, gradually introduce new elements (for example, the child already knows that after the bath there will be sleep. He is ready for this). Now, while rocking in your arms, sing a lullaby. Then introduce back stroking. Soon you will be able to lay him on the bed, stroking the back and humming the same lullaby. If the child is already old enough, read books and look at pictures.
At the end of the article, we have prepared for you an interesting checklist “20 ways to show your children your love.” Download it and share your love with your child every day!
Baby-level hugs
A child crawling, sitting or even already walking means falling every day, hitting any furniture and knocking over everything that doesn’t lie well. The child gets scared, he is in pain and calls his mother. In order not to pick up the little one (and at six months he can already weigh quite a bit), squat down, kneel or on the butt and hug the child. Don't lift it! Press your body against him, maybe he will even climb on top of you, but don’t lift him up! Calm down and put it down. Having received a portion of warmth and hugs, the child will find something to do next.
Nurturing, joke poems, nursery rhymes
Another option on how to calm a child would be joke rhymes, pesters, and nursery rhymes. The sooner you read them to your child, the faster he will get used to them, love them and, with pleasure, listen and repeat. This is an interesting distraction from the “problem”!
Stroking, patting, massage
If you have removed your hands, find a way to “replace” them so that the baby still has touch. Place the baby on your stomach (while he is very small), stroke him, pat him and offer the older child a massage (he will lie across you for such an interesting activity).
Gymnastics, tactile games with a child
There are many advantages here - touch, health improvement, sports activity and... a tired baby who will be easier to put to bed. There are many children who have too much energy; by the end of the day they are overexcited and cannot sleep. The chest or arms “help” them. Take a closer look, maybe your child needs to splash out his energy somewhere? Work out with him! He doesn't need complex elements or power loads - simple movements, more play!
Talk to the baby
Be sure to say that “right now I can’t hold you in my arms.”
Admit your weaknesses, it's normal.
“I’m tired, my back hurts, it’s hard for me...”
Tell me what just happened to the child.
“ I see you hit/fell and it hurts.
Are you scared? Do you want to eat? Are you Hot? Etc." .
The child will understand what is happening to him. "Let's go eat.
Let's blow on the wound together. Let's take off this jacket. Etc." .
Closer to one year, the baby will already understand the meaning of your words. You can also “chat” the child - “Look how interesting it is!”
Oh, what's here? Where did our toy go?”, distracting him from his hands, switching his attention.
Remember that in everything you need to observe moderation and listen to your instincts.
“He’ll burst into tears and get used to it”
- not the best advice.
A child can scream so much that an umbilical hernia comes out ( unfortunately, this happened to my friends
).
However, it is IMPORTANT for you to rest! A satisfied mother means a happy baby. Choose your method - convenient and suitable, without torturing yourself or your child. And let the first year of the baby’s life remain in memory as one of the best, where you don’t have to ask the question - “ How to wean a child off your hands?”
There is an opinion that if a child is rarely picked up during the first year of life, then in the next two years he will beg and cry to be there in any way. I was not able to test this in practice; we took our daughter in our arms all the time. Do you think (or maybe you have already found out) is it worth believing in this?
Why does a child ask to be held?
What interests the child most during this period?
World. Even if limited for now by the walls of your own room. Agree, this is very convenient: ask to be held by your mother and point with your finger in which direction to move next to understand the surroundings. From time to time you can provide him with such an opportunity, because as soon as the baby learns to crawl, he will climb everywhere on his own, and even where he doesn’t need to. The greatest difficulty is falling asleep. This is where the already exhausted parents lose their last bit of strength, forced to rock him to sleep at night. Of course, gentle rocking helps you fall asleep. An alternative is a bed with a pendulum mechanism. A special fastening will help secure the bed after the child has fallen asleep.
It often happens that the baby needs to be rocked to sleep after feeding. And he does not very happily accept his mother’s desire to remove him from the breast. Then be close to him: lie down or, in extreme cases, stand, holding him in your arms, but do not walk, rocking him. Let the child get used to the fact that mom and rocking are not synonymous.
If the baby is already tame, then gradually replace carrying in your arms with being with him. After all, often the desire to be held is caused by the fear that the mother has left (and for a child in the first months of life, the mother being in the next room is an alarming signal. I don’t see the mother, which means there is no mother: she has gone far away and it is not known when she will return). Read books to him, sing songs, or just do housework within your baby's field of vision.
Learn to understand a child without words
Currently, it is believed that a child becomes tame for a reason: it is extremely important for him to express himself. The reasons can be different: a premature baby, colic, or any ailment in general. Even hunger can be a reason. It seems to the mother that the baby is capricious, but he simply does not have enough milk, and it’s time to supplement with formula.
It is not surprising that few children want to lie quietly in bed alone. Thus, when caring for your baby, remember the golden mean. The mother's and father's heart will tell you when and for how long the baby should be held.
